Sunday, May 24, 2009

I'm here

this is one of teesha moore's collage pages that i used to create a journal cover with. i was working today and the journal caught my eye. the girl and what is says (or doesn't say) about "life" made me think, this girl is how i've been feeling the last few days. see the hands over her heart? that's me: protecting my broken heart, or maybe keeping out the pain. i'll have to be honest, i've been having a tough few days. i expected it though; as these depressed moods seem to follow tucker's bouts of being sick. i know i put on the brave face and am often told how "strong" i am. but in truth, i often suffer in silence. the reality of viewing life fragilities, particularily if that life belongs to your own child, is to say the least, difficult. how does one face such circumstances? each illness, i find, harder to handle. in the moment of crisis, i am your go to guy. i am level headed and know what needs to be done. it is instinctive to me. but when it is over, the reality sets in. i feel i go into some sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. i feel sad, i feel helpless, i feel lonely, i feel hopeless,i feel exhausted, i feel afraid, i feel angry, i feel futile. this is not me, this is not who i want to be. what is one to do in such a case? i revert back to all i know; day by day; one day at a time. it's all i have, it's all i can handle.


  1. I so related to this post. I too have always been the 'strong one' the 'go to guy'. And like you, I always handle the crisis and then fall apart afterwards. I've always been that way. And then the blues come...

    Time...I find time helps. self-care's not easy though, is it?

  2. oh my... i just feel for you
    i have no way of knowing what you go through...
    but you are to that young man the exact mother he needs...

  3. Hi Kecia, it is amazing the inner strength we women have in times of crisis. I think only other women understand how it feels to be crying on the inside when we cope with so many issues in our lives

  4. Sometimes as the mom we have to be Strong even though inside we are breaking. You walk a very hard road and are a Wonderful mom. You don't always have to be strong there are days when you can feel sad and or angry. Hopefully tomorrow you will wake up and feel a bit better and the day after that too. Hope Tucker is on the mend and his Mom too. Jamie

  5. Being strong doesn't mean it doesn't rip your heart out; being strong means you keep going while your heart is being ripped out. You have grace under enormous pressures, but that certainly doesn't mean it's easy for you. Take care of yourself; you are loved and valued by many people.


  6. Kecia, I wish you peace and serenity, healing and strength. I appreciate your open honesty. I have learned so much through your wisdom.


  7. Know that your process is good, healthy and normal. We fight when the fighting is necessary - in those instances feeling would be a distraction and a distraction could be disastrous (or at least we instinctively feel that it would split our attention to a disastrous level.) When the crisis is past and we have survived, then, sadly, we do have the time to feel all of the disheartening emotions that were denied at the time. Feelings are not facts, but they are necessary for healthy humans. You are a healthy human, and you feel your feelings. Just know that you are not alone, there are many out here who support you with love.


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