it's hard to let go...........

There's so many feelings I want to blog about, but often time I find it hard to discuss my feelings on my blog. Feelings are touchy. Feelings can be "too much information" to others. Feelings make others seem needy. I am a strong woman and it is hard for me to share my feelings. They often remain hidden beneath the facade of strength.PAIN is not an easy thing to share. I am the one that people rely on for strength and answers. It can be tiring. However, sometimes, worrying about appearing needy to others is exactly what is needed. Readers need to know that I am human. I am not perfect, nor is my life. So I will share with you, that Tucker has been quite sick.

It's allergy season again and once again, he was hit hard. He's been sick for almost 2 months. Continuous coughing, non stop. It's hard enough beforehand, but to now watch him go through this. The only thing i can do is hold him and give him drugs. I hate it. It tears my heart apart and makes me feel like i cannot breathe. finally, lab results show several nasty bacteria's residing deep within in his lungs. A different antibiotic (shockingly expensive) is introduced to fight the bacteria. We are starting to see him getting better. But i live in terror of that cough.........

I haven't done a whole lot of art during this time. When Tucker is sick, I feel paralyzed. It is all i can do to get out of bed and face it. To finally have an answer that it is a bacteria, versus it's "allergies" was almost a relief. All I can tell you, is that it is agonizing to watch my child go through this. I weep for him and I weep for my family, as we all suffer. I will never be whole....... I often feel after we've gone through an illness with him, that I have been through war. I don't mean to offend, I'm just alluding to the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. it can be debilitating and isolating. It makes me want to climb into bed and sleep for several years.

While at the same time that this is going on, I've also been fighting my sadness that my beloved Dillon will be going off to school next year. I'm not much of a religious person, but i am spiritual. I believe that someone "up there" when choosing my 2nd baby, said, "pick out a good one for this family, they're going to need him". And I was sent Dillon. I can't say enough about him. He is the sweetest person ever. Kind, considerate and amazing. I've appreciated every second of my time spent with him and it is hard to think of him not being here. He is the glue that binds my sanity together. I'm not sure anyone really gets it, how hard it will be on me. He is the one that i got to do all that i missed with tucker. We are close. But I also know that I have raised him to be a good man and that he will be fine. He will not miss me as much as I miss him. It is the way of the world when you are a parent. I will adjust and i will take it day by day.

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If you haven't been following along lately, I've been chronicling 2 separate robin's nest. One is on my front porch (Thelma's nest) and one is one the back porch (Louise's nest). I share this photo journal approach because I've been given this gift of watching these babies arrive. Watching them grow. Documenting their life. I've been given the gift of watching them leave the nest and understand that it is what they will do. There are no choices. Appreciate the in between and make the best of it. There is no going back. I can be sad for yesterday or I can wait to see what happens tomorrow.

I hope you will enjoy:

Thelma laid 3 eggs. I left for the beach and was gone a week. I think the eggs hatched the day before i got back home. So every day when momma would fly off I would try and take a picture of them. They grow so fast. Yesterday they fledged. I could tell the day before, by the way they way were teetering on the edge of the nest, like they feared nothing, that they would be gone in the morning. I took kashie out at 5:45am and they were there. By 7:45am, they had flown the coop.

I took these two photos on "pre fledge" day. You can see how big they have gotten. They are ready to go.

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I've watched robins fledged before, so I knew to grab my camera and go outside and "listen". they make a certain little sound as they call out to their momma
"I am here, momma, come and feed me. I still need you".

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testing my wings. I will grow no matter what. I am ready to go; although i still need you.

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waiting.....................

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Reflecting:
I will be fine. You have guided me and given me the tools to fly. I am ready.

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So now let's jump over to nest two. Louise. She is a few weeks behind Thelma. She laid 3 eggs. Only one of them hatched. She knew that two of them weren't viable. Another hard "fact of life". This baby will be special.

this last shot was taken today. The sweetest photograph I have ever taken. It brings tears to my eyes. Is it because her one surviving baby is so precious? Mom and Dad are fiercely protective of baby. I don't blame them.

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As I wind up my story, a new chapter begins. I discovered a cardinal nest today. The elusive cardinal nest. I have never seen one, nor the eggs. I am beyond excited.

to be continued.......................

how i spent April 1st 2010

It was 19 years ago today that my son, Tucker, suffered a severe brain injury due to medical negligence. That day changed our lives forever. we've suffered through heartache, depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress syndrome. It is a tough day for us and I spent the day doing fun things to keep myself from thinking about that ill fated day. I was going to do some art, but it was so gorgeous outside that i decided to spend my day outdoors.
I recently left a little shop where i was selling things and the van was full of booth and product stuff to put away. So after emptying out the van, we needed to find a place for an old shabby bookcase and an old medicine cabinet. So i decided to make room on the front porch for them. (it was perfect timing as i needed to clean the porch up anyway)
i put the old medicine cabinet over my yummy green farm table and then decided to "merchandise" it with some of my nature findings. (nests, shells, sea glass, driftwood, etc.) So i went shopping in my house and dragged out all sorts of fun stuff.

here's what the cabinet looks like with the doors open:


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this is actually a tiny little hummingbird nest. it is as big as half dollar. I found this nest in Arizona when i was traveling with my mom. i made little nest holders out of rusty wire springs. (the white eggs are from our finches)
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this is a robins nest that Dillon's friend, Jimmy, brought to me. It had been made inside a wreath on their porch and the flowers from the wreath are still embedded in the mud. (jimmy also brings me heart shaped rocks - how sweet is that?) i filled the nest with these tiny little egg rocks that i like to collect when i am at my mom's in Bass Lake, Ca.
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this is a heart shaped rock that i found in California when i was visiting my sister in feb. i was walking the beach and said to myself, "i really want to find a heart shaped rock" and viola! like magic, it appeared. (true story!)
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not sure about this bigger nest as it is part mud and part stick - probably another robin nest. it gives you good perspective on the size of that sweet little hummer nest.
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this is a Japanese beetle that Dillon found last summer. he was sitting under a tree and it fell next to him. he saved it knowing i would want it. i think it looks awesome displayed on one of my grandmother's old floral frog.
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here is a wren nest that i found just yesterday in some brush off our driveway. it is very sweet and holds a few bluebird, a cardinal and a mystery feather.
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after i was done with this project, it was almost time for tucker to get home from school. We all went into the backyard where jeff, dillon and friends played some volleyball while i made some nests out of grapevine. i want to add some of kirby's fur to them and then display them around the house. then we brought tucker outside and did some yard work around this area in the middle of the yard that is nicknamed "flower island". it needs a lot of work as last summer we had a terrible mole problem. flower island looks as if it is sinking since the earth underneath it is all torn up. so we raked and tried to rearrange and level things. we've decided to replace the old pergola with a new one as it is rotting and tilting from the weight of the wisteria on top of it.

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so you see, i ended up having a lovely day and tried to focus on the small stuff that makes me happy instead of spending my time in sorrow. as i was raking, i saw this in the leaves and it reminded me to find love in all that i do.

observing

there's been a lot of talk in the last year on the subject of "being in the present" instead of getting sidetracked by what has happened to us in the past or worrying about tomorrow. We are all guilty of this; as it is easy to get lost in our past. I just brought this up with someone recently as this person tends to reside in the past and when you reside in the past, you definitely aren't focused on what is going on around you. but i started thinking about it - how do we live in the present? how do we make ourselves participate on a daily level; what is the trick? after thinking about it for awhile, i decided one way to be present is to observe what is going on around you. take it in, notice, think about it, question it, learn from it and as you walk away take something positive from it. I thought i'd start posting some random observations from my walk through life and encourage you to share yours too.

So i'll start by sharing this observation with you. i looked out my kitchen window yesterday and was shocked to see this hawk sitting on one of my feeders. i ran upstairs as fast as i could and grabbed my camera. when i got back, i got to watch him through my zoom lens and was enchanted by the beauty of this bird. the colors of those feathers - oh how i wanted to pluck one from his tail! i watched him as he looked for food. his head turning in all directions as he searched. finally i could tell he was going to leave as he leaned forward and spread those amazing wings. quick as the shutter took its last picture, he was gone. then i called dillon to tell him what i saw.

some inspirtation for you today

one of my pictures from Port Townsend

frog and butterfly

on thursday during the soldering class , a few of us took a break and went outside for some fresh air. Christina's son Max was standing next to me and a deck chair. he moved the chair pillow and found a tiny little frog. it was the prettiest blue/gray color. so i scooped him up to go show jeff, since we love little frogs and that was the first one i've seen all summer. anyway, as quick as i picked him up, he jumped right out of my hand and was gone. so the next morning as i was watering the plants on the deck, i decided to look behind all the pillows and ended up finding 2 more frogs. so that was fun. a pretty orange one and a gray camouflage one. they were very cooperative during their photo shoot. the little butterfly flew by around the same time.

i'm sad to report that the little baby squirrels i discovered in a bird house next to the front door did not make it. i don't know if the area was too high traffic or if it was too hot, but it seems as if mom abandoned them. really bums me out.

butterfly visit

mother nature always has a way of making things up to you. after my bout with a yellow jacket the other (which is still itchy and fire red, mind you!), i noticed this little guy flitting around my garden. i figured he was heading for my butterfly bush, so ran, got the camera and waited for him to show up. sure enough, he gently glided in and started enjoying a mid day snack. what a beauty. so quiet and peaceful he was as he moved from flower to flower.

i've discovered some newborn baby squirrels in a bird house right next to my front door. it is surrounded in ivy, so it is quite safe for them there. they are darling! as they get a little bigger, i'll try and get some pics.

typesetter drawer shadowbox

(hint: click on the picture for a nice close up view of the goodies inside the box)

for awhile i have been collecting the old typesetting drawers. why? i don't know, i just like them. i had come across a bunch that were very inexpensive, so we picked them up. they've been sitting on my front porch in the "wood shop" section just waiting to be played with. a few months ago, Lynn Perrella (see her inspiring piece, "Summer Sampling" here and then when you are done, look at her assemblages they are stunning!) did a type setting drawer art piece and then it was in Somerset Studio which is where i saw it. immediately i thought, so that's why i've been collecting those! the funny thing is though, as many of my friends have also been collecting these (before the article came out). it's interesting how my friends and i are drawn to very similar things. i keep wanting to coin a term for this type of girl that i am, but also that i see in my friends. i know jane has some of the drawers, kim has some, a new blog friend, beth has some. and it doesn't just stop with the drawers. i was amazed at the similarities that i found between Jill and i (i met up with her at Handmade Faire). even down to random personality quirks and the fact that we both grew up in the military. my friend jane and i are constantly buying the same things (separately unbeknownst to us), wear the same perfume, stuff like that........ i was thinking of calling us "modern prairie girls with old souls". anyway, kim, of art dog's life recently created a drawer, which made me think of doing some for the country living fair. i gesso'd a few and then have been waiting to get back to them. then i was reading new blog friend, beth, of gypsy fish journal and was amazed to see the drawer she just completed. they both are stunning. so last night i decided i would make the one that i have been envisioning in my mind. i titled it "Nature's Bounty" and it is all things from nature that i have been collecting for over the last year. i love how it turned out. i'll be metal stamping a faceplate for the front of as well. the projects are fun and easy to do. it's a matter of gathering and gluing. i'm going to go back to my source and see if he still has any more trays. if he does, i'll pick them up and sell them for anyone wanting to do a project on their own. i'll keep you posted on that or let me know if you'd be interested in a tray and i'll contact you later. i also have a HUGE one that i 'll be creating with next. finding stuff to fill it up will not be a problem. this one will be more along the lines of using flea market items, dolls, fabric, or whatever i deem worthy to go inside!

in other fun news, my advanced copy of Altered Couture has arrived with my new article in it. it will hit the stands late July at Barnes & Nobles, Borders. my article is on page 125, 126 & 127. i'll scan pics of it later today.

Disinegration project

Seth Apter, from The Altered Page, is doing a project involving nature and paper. the project involves taking paper of some sort and leaving outside for a length of time to see how it changes from the elements. i created a pretty little paper and fiber collage and hung it from some rusty wire (first photo) and then wrapped it in some cheesecloth and hung it outside (2nd photo). i added diamond glaze over the focal image as i decided i'd like that to remain intact (if possible!). the rest i will leave up to mother nature to see what happens. i have a little problem with worrying about pretty things getting ruined - so this was also an exercise in "letting go" - this is why i decided to create something pretty and then leave it outside - a risk, i know! what will happen to it? will it get ruined? we shall see. i'm leaning towards it still looking really cool when i finally bring it in. we get lots of rain here, ocean air, high winds, occasional snow. maybe it will blow into the mud and i won't notice it for days. stay tuned...............