it's hard to let go...........

There's so many feelings I want to blog about, but often time I find it hard to discuss my feelings on my blog. Feelings are touchy. Feelings can be "too much information" to others. Feelings make others seem needy. I am a strong woman and it is hard for me to share my feelings. They often remain hidden beneath the facade of strength.PAIN is not an easy thing to share. I am the one that people rely on for strength and answers. It can be tiring. However, sometimes, worrying about appearing needy to others is exactly what is needed. Readers need to know that I am human. I am not perfect, nor is my life. So I will share with you, that Tucker has been quite sick.

It's allergy season again and once again, he was hit hard. He's been sick for almost 2 months. Continuous coughing, non stop. It's hard enough beforehand, but to now watch him go through this. The only thing i can do is hold him and give him drugs. I hate it. It tears my heart apart and makes me feel like i cannot breathe. finally, lab results show several nasty bacteria's residing deep within in his lungs. A different antibiotic (shockingly expensive) is introduced to fight the bacteria. We are starting to see him getting better. But i live in terror of that cough.........

I haven't done a whole lot of art during this time. When Tucker is sick, I feel paralyzed. It is all i can do to get out of bed and face it. To finally have an answer that it is a bacteria, versus it's "allergies" was almost a relief. All I can tell you, is that it is agonizing to watch my child go through this. I weep for him and I weep for my family, as we all suffer. I will never be whole....... I often feel after we've gone through an illness with him, that I have been through war. I don't mean to offend, I'm just alluding to the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. it can be debilitating and isolating. It makes me want to climb into bed and sleep for several years.

While at the same time that this is going on, I've also been fighting my sadness that my beloved Dillon will be going off to school next year. I'm not much of a religious person, but i am spiritual. I believe that someone "up there" when choosing my 2nd baby, said, "pick out a good one for this family, they're going to need him". And I was sent Dillon. I can't say enough about him. He is the sweetest person ever. Kind, considerate and amazing. I've appreciated every second of my time spent with him and it is hard to think of him not being here. He is the glue that binds my sanity together. I'm not sure anyone really gets it, how hard it will be on me. He is the one that i got to do all that i missed with tucker. We are close. But I also know that I have raised him to be a good man and that he will be fine. He will not miss me as much as I miss him. It is the way of the world when you are a parent. I will adjust and i will take it day by day.

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If you haven't been following along lately, I've been chronicling 2 separate robin's nest. One is on my front porch (Thelma's nest) and one is one the back porch (Louise's nest). I share this photo journal approach because I've been given this gift of watching these babies arrive. Watching them grow. Documenting their life. I've been given the gift of watching them leave the nest and understand that it is what they will do. There are no choices. Appreciate the in between and make the best of it. There is no going back. I can be sad for yesterday or I can wait to see what happens tomorrow.

I hope you will enjoy:

Thelma laid 3 eggs. I left for the beach and was gone a week. I think the eggs hatched the day before i got back home. So every day when momma would fly off I would try and take a picture of them. They grow so fast. Yesterday they fledged. I could tell the day before, by the way they way were teetering on the edge of the nest, like they feared nothing, that they would be gone in the morning. I took kashie out at 5:45am and they were there. By 7:45am, they had flown the coop.

I took these two photos on "pre fledge" day. You can see how big they have gotten. They are ready to go.

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I've watched robins fledged before, so I knew to grab my camera and go outside and "listen". they make a certain little sound as they call out to their momma
"I am here, momma, come and feed me. I still need you".

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testing my wings. I will grow no matter what. I am ready to go; although i still need you.

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waiting.....................

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Reflecting:
I will be fine. You have guided me and given me the tools to fly. I am ready.

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So now let's jump over to nest two. Louise. She is a few weeks behind Thelma. She laid 3 eggs. Only one of them hatched. She knew that two of them weren't viable. Another hard "fact of life". This baby will be special.

this last shot was taken today. The sweetest photograph I have ever taken. It brings tears to my eyes. Is it because her one surviving baby is so precious? Mom and Dad are fiercely protective of baby. I don't blame them.

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As I wind up my story, a new chapter begins. I discovered a cardinal nest today. The elusive cardinal nest. I have never seen one, nor the eggs. I am beyond excited.

to be continued.......................

well, besides taking care of a sick bunny (she's doing better now), in my spare time, i've been working on a couple of pieces. For some reason, I've had hearts on the brain (since making those hearts for Abbie in Dec.) and with Valentine's Day coming up, i felt inspired to create something with a heart and here it is. pretty cool, huh? it is being sold as a pendant (find it here) - don't think i'm going to make a necklace for it as i think a simple chain will do it more justice.

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and for some reason, i never posted the 2nd piece that i created in Cindy Forrestor's class in California, so here it is. it is also a pendant that i wear on my favorite chain.

look what i found

yesterday when i was outside in the garden, i noticed that momma robin had come back and flew into her nest that she built under in our arbor, hidden in the wisteria. i thought, what's she doing now? is one of the babies hanging out in the wisteria? i took a peek but didn't see anyone. then she flew back in again, so i went and got the ladder. sure enough, inside the nest i found one little egg.

my babies are leaving the nest

as i was getting Tucker ready for school today, i looked out his window and saw momma robin and a baby. she took off and the baby was hopping up and down the rungs on a ladder in the yard. fledgling day! so soon? weren't they just born? so i snuck out with my camera (ditching tucker!) and took some shots. i couldn't believe i was sitting right there when the mom flew in and brought some breakfast to the baby. such a great way to start the day! tomorrow i will show you a picture of the new babies we are watching! the fun never ends around here. also, this is a cool moth i found on my porch. i think it is hot and needed to rest (it's only 98 here today!). so i soaked a paper towel in sugar water and put it in front of it and it started drinking away.

update: actually, i found out this is a moth. we thought it was a pregnant butterfly, but since it's a moth, i am thinking that maybe that the body is usually chubby like that. we tried to let it go last night, but it didn't leave. i think it likes it here.

baby robins

these are the babies from the nest that Mrs. Robin made in our arbor in the front yard. she really did a good job because her nest is quite hidden under the wisteria. i've seen her fly onto the arbor and the duck under the leaves to get to the nest. the other day when i was out there, i saw some robins egg on the ground, so i figured they had hatched. i grabbed the ladder after momma flew off and climbed up for a peek. i think there are 4 of them. they get big fast, so i'll check on them in a few days for another photo.