Saturday, March 29, 2008

Can i be honest?

tucker at age 12months - 4months before his injury

I just wanted to share that this time of the year is very hard on me. i know i put up a good front and act brave, but i'm not all that tough when it comes down to it. On April 1, 1991, my son, Tucker, at the age of 16 months old suffered a severe brain injury - due to medical malpractice. it left him in a wheelchair, unable to talk, walk, or do anything on his own. he's 100 % dependent upon us for his every need. he wears diapers and is fed through a g- tube. it's been 17 years since it happened and every year it seems, gets harder. as we age, we think of all the missed opportunities for him, proms, athletics, driver's license, college preparation, marriage, kids, etc. all those hopes and dreams for your child; especially your first born. they are all gone in an instant. i struggle everyday with showing a brave face and inwardly continuing to grieve; all the while, taking care of Tucker, who is still with us. i tell you all this because sometimes, in truth, it is hard to believe that this really happened to us. this is my life - which sometimes seems like a dream. i share this with you as i have sadness in my heart and tears in my eyes. why do i feel the need to hide this from people? i'm not sure - but i'm kind of to the point where i need others to know the reality of what has happened to me. i leave for Artfest on April 1st - so it will be good to be away, but bittersweet at the same time. i know tomorrow i will feel embarrassed for sharing such intimate feelings from my soul and will struggle with deleting this entry. but as i "put it out there" - it will be harder to deny later.


  1. Oh Kecia there is nothing wrong with being honest. It must be so hard on all of you, including Tucker. Both emotionally and physically draining for you. Such a tragic thing to happen. Don't be embarrassed by opening up and sharing what you are feeling. Blogland is a wonderful place and we all feel for you.
    Enjoy your time away as no doubt you need some 'ME' time. Relax and have some fun.

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  3. My dear Kecia,

    Nana taught us that sadness when shared is half as sad and happiness when shared is twice as much happiness. Each one of us have a reason to mourn a lost dream, I always thought I would have my beloved to spend my golden years with, until two years ago when we were told he has malignant Mesothelioma. Incurable, asbestos cancer.

    He is a physicist, never worked with asbestos but as a child his father who was an engineer, brought the poison with him, unknowingly of course. In the end his father died of the same poison. I am not telling you this because I believe our situations could be compared, but because you need to know that others live day to day too with the pain of unfulfilled dreams and somehow it doesn't make it any easier but it is comforting to know that some of us not only can understand but embrace you in your honesty and you need to share.

    Never regret the gift of honest sharing, a very rare one. Those who understand this will love you and respect you more for having share your pain. I am looking forward to seeing you next week. You are truly a friend to both of us,


  4. Kecia,

    I hope by sharing you are afforded a sense of relief from the grief you've been carrying. You have my support.


  5. Kecia!
    you are an angel on earth!
    being honest will set you free, don't feel bad that you've shared this with us. we are all here for you! we support you! we "get" you!
    im sure you struggle with this daily. but there is a bigger plan.
    you must be an amazing mom!
    take care my friend, and kiss that boy on the cheek for me.

  6. Kecia, we never know why we are the "ones". I can only imagine, that God knew you would be the most PERFECT mother for a child like this.. and so he entrusted him to you! He knew you would love him and care for him as long as he needs you too. and he knew that you would have friends who would love and support you (as we do here!) along the way. ((((HUGS))))
    MY son lost an eye when he was in kindergarten.. doesnt begin to compare, but I know that sick to your stomach feeling of dispair and fear and worry and anger and shame, and guilt, and LOVE and the need to protect and love regardless of it all!
    try not to be ashamed of your feelings.. IF you didnt struggle now and then you wouldnt be normal!
    And I'm glad you told us about your son. It helps us to know you better!!
    more Hugs!

  7. honesty is the best quality - and you spoke for all of us who are connected to that terrible time - i think it shows a side of you that you seem to want to finally open up - it makes the pain a tiny bit easier, and healthy for you - no need to hide anything, and it's certainly not an embarrassing quality - you can see by all the loving comments of your friends, that it offers you a new reality - the comments are wonderful for me to read also - the tears, hidden away for years, are allowed to fall again - for all of you including our beloved tucker - i hope that jeff will read this too - i love you, mom

  8. Kecia -

    I cannot imagine what you go through every day, but the little that I know you reinforces that you are a strong, caring woman. Tucker is lucky to have a mother like you.

    Thank you for opening up and sharing. I hope that one day you will find peace. Til then, we are here for you when you need to lay down the load.


  9. I'm glad you have an outlet where you can share and be honest. I hope you have a wonderful time and are able to rest and relax at Artfest.

    Sending you lots of good thoughts and love!

  10. Kecia, my friend, don't even think about being embarrassed about sharing this. We are meant to bear each others burdens, but we need to hear about them before that can happen. Tucker is truly blessed to have you as parents, and it is a great testimony to what God saw in you, as able to handle this challenge. I am humbled at what you deal with daily. And though Tucker requires much care, never feel guilty for the 'care and feeding' of you and your husband! You have my admiration. Blessings! Melissa S.

  11. hey, njj,
    you know my favorite saying?
    well, i have another one - it's longer so i don't often use it but it's the one that runs through my head every day right behind "because nice matters", and it's this:
    "always be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle."
    i think of you today after reading this post, along with that qoute.
    you're a strong, vital, loving woman - a wonderful friend, a bff, that i hold dear.
    enjoy artfest, think of your son and of the joy he has brought you for i know he has.
    and know that i'm praying for you.
    xoxo, jan

  12. Oh my sweet friend- you are one of the strongest and most courageous women I have ever met! Despite the depth of your loss, you move forward each day, loving Tucker and Dillon, creating beautiful art, and shinig on the people that are lucky enough to know you. I wish I was with youright now to give you a hug, or to offer a shoulder for support. I am so sorry that your pain runs so deep.
    You are an amazing woman!

  13. Dear K - thank you for being so painfully honest. You are a good and kind person and as you give your love so openly, you have many who love you in return, and would take the pain and heavy burden from you, even if only a little of it. Be well, and have a fantastic time in the Pacific Northwest!

  14. I love the comments here, what a caring loving community we have entered into!! Kecia, I think it is these crosses that we bear in life that make us who we are, and you my dear friend are a deep thinking, caring, loving , kind, creative, giving, honest, fun individual!! I am so thankful for you and hold you up in prayer that you will always have love and endurance enough to make Tucker's life filled with loving memories!! I know he is one blessed boy to have you for his mom, your love for him is so evident!!! Just think how inspired you will be when you return from Artfest, filling your home with all that wonderful energy!!!-Sandra


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