what does it all mean? The meaning of Puppet Master

I painted this picture a few months ago and had no idea what it meant or where it came from. It just sort of evolved (which is the fun, surprising part). But this morning as I was getting Tucker ready for school, I kept looking at it, and suddenly realized what it all meant. 

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I kept looking at the wedding ring. It was something I added at the last minute and it was this mystery to me, like, who is this character married too? And why are those people dangling from his arm?

It finally dawned on me that the "Puppet Master", who  I referred to the guy with the red arm, is my husband, Jeff and the 3 characters he is supporting (they are not dangling after all) are me, dillon and tucker.

 Jeff is very very strong (physically), so the red, bold arm, represents his strength. There was a time, in our past where Jeff's priorities where not so much about our relationship, but rather other things. He's always been a steadfast and great father, but in all honesty, I secretly felt he was a better father than husband. Over time as we have both grown and changed, he has matured. As we talk about our past, I bluntly summed up feelings by telling him, "you squandered that time in our relationship". he did not disagree.

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Now a days, his priorities have shifted. it is less about the party and friends and more about taking care of us. He is learning that taking care of us  also means emotionally too. Committing emotionally to being a better partner, father and person. (i think we all do that as we age anyway....) I gave up trying to help Jeff with his emotional demons. I stopped playing police woman and trying to control things in him that were beyond my control. When I let go of  feeling responsible for his well being, I changed as well. My mantra became, "I can not make you happy". I can only support you, but you have to do the rest. He has become extremely supportive of my art journey. I couldn't ask for better support and the freedom it allows me to "just be myself".

He often says that his new role is all about supporting and taking care of his family. So in the picture, his strong arm is gently supporting us the best way he can. 

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The pink character standing behind Jeff represents me again.  It shows that I'm the serious one and he's the joker (note his smirk and my very serious expression). I have a degree in psych and would quietly stand behind him and understand his behaviors, all the while knowing that I couldn't do much about them. I have always been the voice of reason and patient.

the cute little dude standing on the house is Dillon. He is pure joy and that he brought a lot of love back into our lives after Tucker's injury  He anchors our relationship. He is beyond precious to us. 

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 and lastly, my house. my rock - my source of stability and sanctuary. While I am not a religious, church going person, I am spiritual and hold many beliefs and have a particular fondness for religious iconic imagery that you can find all over the house. growing up in the military, I moved around so much, that often felt there wasn't a lot of stability in the sense of feeling like i belonged somewhere or had an attachment to one spot. I lived as an invisible person since there wasn't much time to get to know people before moving again. I've lived in this house since 1995, a long time for me. While living in NJ isn't my first choice, I love my house, my property and what I have achieved here. Jeff wants to move, always looking for utopia, which, in my opinion, doesn't exist. Utopia to me, is here in my own home, surrounded by my art and love of life. 

fondly,

kecia

it's hard to let go...........

There's so many feelings I want to blog about, but often time I find it hard to discuss my feelings on my blog. Feelings are touchy. Feelings can be "too much information" to others. Feelings make others seem needy. I am a strong woman and it is hard for me to share my feelings. They often remain hidden beneath the facade of strength.PAIN is not an easy thing to share. I am the one that people rely on for strength and answers. It can be tiring. However, sometimes, worrying about appearing needy to others is exactly what is needed. Readers need to know that I am human. I am not perfect, nor is my life. So I will share with you, that Tucker has been quite sick.

It's allergy season again and once again, he was hit hard. He's been sick for almost 2 months. Continuous coughing, non stop. It's hard enough beforehand, but to now watch him go through this. The only thing i can do is hold him and give him drugs. I hate it. It tears my heart apart and makes me feel like i cannot breathe. finally, lab results show several nasty bacteria's residing deep within in his lungs. A different antibiotic (shockingly expensive) is introduced to fight the bacteria. We are starting to see him getting better. But i live in terror of that cough.........

I haven't done a whole lot of art during this time. When Tucker is sick, I feel paralyzed. It is all i can do to get out of bed and face it. To finally have an answer that it is a bacteria, versus it's "allergies" was almost a relief. All I can tell you, is that it is agonizing to watch my child go through this. I weep for him and I weep for my family, as we all suffer. I will never be whole....... I often feel after we've gone through an illness with him, that I have been through war. I don't mean to offend, I'm just alluding to the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. it can be debilitating and isolating. It makes me want to climb into bed and sleep for several years.

While at the same time that this is going on, I've also been fighting my sadness that my beloved Dillon will be going off to school next year. I'm not much of a religious person, but i am spiritual. I believe that someone "up there" when choosing my 2nd baby, said, "pick out a good one for this family, they're going to need him". And I was sent Dillon. I can't say enough about him. He is the sweetest person ever. Kind, considerate and amazing. I've appreciated every second of my time spent with him and it is hard to think of him not being here. He is the glue that binds my sanity together. I'm not sure anyone really gets it, how hard it will be on me. He is the one that i got to do all that i missed with tucker. We are close. But I also know that I have raised him to be a good man and that he will be fine. He will not miss me as much as I miss him. It is the way of the world when you are a parent. I will adjust and i will take it day by day.

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If you haven't been following along lately, I've been chronicling 2 separate robin's nest. One is on my front porch (Thelma's nest) and one is one the back porch (Louise's nest). I share this photo journal approach because I've been given this gift of watching these babies arrive. Watching them grow. Documenting their life. I've been given the gift of watching them leave the nest and understand that it is what they will do. There are no choices. Appreciate the in between and make the best of it. There is no going back. I can be sad for yesterday or I can wait to see what happens tomorrow.

I hope you will enjoy:

Thelma laid 3 eggs. I left for the beach and was gone a week. I think the eggs hatched the day before i got back home. So every day when momma would fly off I would try and take a picture of them. They grow so fast. Yesterday they fledged. I could tell the day before, by the way they way were teetering on the edge of the nest, like they feared nothing, that they would be gone in the morning. I took kashie out at 5:45am and they were there. By 7:45am, they had flown the coop.

I took these two photos on "pre fledge" day. You can see how big they have gotten. They are ready to go.

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I've watched robins fledged before, so I knew to grab my camera and go outside and "listen". they make a certain little sound as they call out to their momma
"I am here, momma, come and feed me. I still need you".

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testing my wings. I will grow no matter what. I am ready to go; although i still need you.

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waiting.....................

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Reflecting:
I will be fine. You have guided me and given me the tools to fly. I am ready.

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So now let's jump over to nest two. Louise. She is a few weeks behind Thelma. She laid 3 eggs. Only one of them hatched. She knew that two of them weren't viable. Another hard "fact of life". This baby will be special.

this last shot was taken today. The sweetest photograph I have ever taken. It brings tears to my eyes. Is it because her one surviving baby is so precious? Mom and Dad are fiercely protective of baby. I don't blame them.

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As I wind up my story, a new chapter begins. I discovered a cardinal nest today. The elusive cardinal nest. I have never seen one, nor the eggs. I am beyond excited.

to be continued.......................

refections from the pool of pain - a note to a friend

today i was blog reading and was reading a blog post of a friend who is a 6 year cancer survivor. she shared many things with us, but most importantly, she shared what she has learned through the process. I am not a cancer survivor, but a survivor of what i like to refer to as "a life altering experience", so i could relate.

I wanted to leave her a little comment on her blog in response and before you know it, i had written a little essay. I have to say, it was so heartfully written (is that a real word?) that i decided to share what i wrote with you. for all of you that has had to overcome pain and obstacles, this is for you as well.

There are some of us that cross the road during times of devastation. We looked both ways and we walked across. We have to handle a lot, maintain a sense of self, be brave, handle fear and more. Where is that road crossing? it crossed over into a different realm of this life, where we now view the world from a survivor's perspective. We shrug off trivialities (in the form of drama, gossip, meanness, etc). We know to appreciate the little things. We are observant to others pain and quick to observe who needs a little encouragement. Very importantly, we are too aware of the fragility of our existence. We've made a conscience decision to surrender any sort of control over this random blur of time, we call life. When we make it to the other side of the road, we have gained much wisdom. It's like passing a test - there are only a few who have achieved such a high grade. A+ to you my friend,

cheers,
kecia

observing

there's been a lot of talk in the last year on the subject of "being in the present" instead of getting sidetracked by what has happened to us in the past or worrying about tomorrow. We are all guilty of this; as it is easy to get lost in our past. I just brought this up with someone recently as this person tends to reside in the past and when you reside in the past, you definitely aren't focused on what is going on around you. but i started thinking about it - how do we live in the present? how do we make ourselves participate on a daily level; what is the trick? after thinking about it for awhile, i decided one way to be present is to observe what is going on around you. take it in, notice, think about it, question it, learn from it and as you walk away take something positive from it. I thought i'd start posting some random observations from my walk through life and encourage you to share yours too.

So i'll start by sharing this observation with you. i looked out my kitchen window yesterday and was shocked to see this hawk sitting on one of my feeders. i ran upstairs as fast as i could and grabbed my camera. when i got back, i got to watch him through my zoom lens and was enchanted by the beauty of this bird. the colors of those feathers - oh how i wanted to pluck one from his tail! i watched him as he looked for food. his head turning in all directions as he searched. finally i could tell he was going to leave as he leaned forward and spread those amazing wings. quick as the shutter took its last picture, he was gone. then i called dillon to tell him what i saw.

happy birthday, Tucker!

sent tuck off to school with much fanfare and singing. we will have a little pizza party tonight with a few friends and family over to celebrate.

do you ever feel like this?

i absolutley ADORE this picture. it was forwarded to me by my mom who got it from a friend and so on and so on. what i love most about this photo is the dogs face - in particular, his eyes. his eyes are saying, "ugh - i hate this. sharing sucks". i showed this picture to jane and her daughter, claudia, this weekend - and i said, "there's some life lessons to be learned from this photo". i feel the doggie is doing what he feels is the right thing to do - sharing his food; even though he really doesn't want to. sometimes we do things because we know it is the right thing to do, but inside, secretly, we don't really want to do it. but that's okay, don't you think? that is what makes us kind and gentle. putting others before ourselves - and in the end though, it usually ends up in our favor. (i think they call that, karma).

getting out in the world around me

Sometimes i tend to get a little isolated here. Tucker requires a lot of care and attention - which i lovingly do as his mother. it is my life and there is no 2 ways around it. and it isn't so much the constant care that wears me down, but the grief of what happened to him and us. at times it can be crippling. sometimes my husband and i like to compare our lives to the movie "Ground hog day" where the same day happens over and over again. honestly though, the only time i really feel stressed with my role as a caregiver is when tucker isn't feeling well and that is simply because i fear for him. i wonder will this be the illness that takes him from me? things like that. it's hard. So what do i do? i create. i make things and drown out my sadness with art. my husband, who i love dearly, finds other non -healthy ways to cope. this also isolates me from him. but it is what it is. we all cope differently.

so that being said, i made myself get out of the house today. dillon is in the Poconos with his girlfriend and family, tucker had caregiver help for most of the day and tonight and my husband was over at his mom's house working on some projects for her. so i decided i would pretend that i was on vacation. i would eat what i wanted, do what i wanted and pretend that i had not a care in the world. I made a wonderful lunch of hummus, cucumbers, red onions and pita bread. i finished another page in my "gatherings" book, i went to ACMoore to get some craft plywood to make a gift, then i took a nap. in the early evening i went to see the progress on the backyard projects at my MIL, Janet's, house. after chatting with Janet for awhile, i left and headed over to Manasquan beach, in particular, the dog beach. the dog beach is the only place i know of locally to find sea glass. there is no drift wood to be found and i don't know why. how come driftwood doesn't drift onto the beaches around here? weird. alas, upon arrival at the dog beach, it is high tide. there will not be much glass to be found today as it tends to get buried under all the rocks. low tide is the best time to find it. we find a lot of blue sea glass here, which is rare. even rarer is when we find red pieces. when dillon was younger, we use to hunt for blue pieces telling ourselves we could not leave until we found one more blue piece each. it always worked.

i decided to walk the beach anyway. it is fun to watch all the doggies get excited to chase balls into the water, run after each other; barking and getting sandy. i always walk to the way back where there is a bend and it gets quite marshy. i like to think of this as my secret place. it can be kind of gritty, so most people don't go back there. guess they think it is gross. but i love to go there because you can see the most fabulous birds. and i wasn't disappointed. i got to see 3 egrets, 2 black crown night heron, a darling sandpiper, some purple martins, a momma duck and her ducklings and some funky bird that i don't know the name of. this little bird kept hovering over the marsh pools. he'd wait and wait as he flapped his wings and then dive into the water for whatever it was he saw. he made a huge splash for such a little bird. i'll try to identify him later in my NJ shore bird book.

after awhile i figured i'd better start my way back. i decided to take some photos of things that had been left behind on the beach (besides garbage!) so here are some of the things i found that had been forgotten:

tomorrow morning i plan on getting up and heading over to the Manasquan Reservoir to take more pictures over there. it is a really beautiful area and i haven't been over there in years. tonight for dinner i plan on having a bowl of lucky charms or trix. now how's that for a vacation?

cool quote

You never know when you're going to turn the corner and bump into the rest of your life.