Sunday, May 29, 2011

it's hard to let go...........

There's so many feelings I want to blog about, but often time I find it hard to discuss my feelings on my blog. Feelings are touchy. Feelings can be "too much information" to others. Feelings make others seem needy. I am a strong woman and it is hard for me to share my feelings. They often remain hidden beneath the facade of strength.PAIN is not an easy thing to share. I am the one that people rely on for strength and answers. It can be tiring. However, sometimes, worrying about appearing needy to others is exactly what is needed. Readers need to know that I am human. I am not perfect, nor is my life. So I will share with you, that Tucker has been quite sick.

It's allergy season again and once again, he was hit hard. He's been sick for almost 2 months. Continuous coughing, non stop. It's hard enough beforehand, but to now watch him go through this. The only thing i can do is hold him and give him drugs. I hate it. It tears my heart apart and makes me feel like i cannot breathe. finally, lab results show several nasty bacteria's residing deep within in his lungs. A different antibiotic (shockingly expensive) is introduced to fight the bacteria. We are starting to see him getting better. But i live in terror of that cough.........

I haven't done a whole lot of art during this time. When Tucker is sick, I feel paralyzed. It is all i can do to get out of bed and face it. To finally have an answer that it is a bacteria, versus it's "allergies" was almost a relief. All I can tell you, is that it is agonizing to watch my child go through this. I weep for him and I weep for my family, as we all suffer. I will never be whole....... I often feel after we've gone through an illness with him, that I have been through war. I don't mean to offend, I'm just alluding to the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. it can be debilitating and isolating. It makes me want to climb into bed and sleep for several years.

While at the same time that this is going on, I've also been fighting my sadness that my beloved Dillon will be going off to school next year. I'm not much of a religious person, but i am spiritual. I believe that someone "up there" when choosing my 2nd baby, said, "pick out a good one for this family, they're going to need him". And I was sent Dillon. I can't say enough about him. He is the sweetest person ever. Kind, considerate and amazing. I've appreciated every second of my time spent with him and it is hard to think of him not being here. He is the glue that binds my sanity together. I'm not sure anyone really gets it, how hard it will be on me. He is the one that i got to do all that i missed with tucker. We are close. But I also know that I have raised him to be a good man and that he will be fine. He will not miss me as much as I miss him. It is the way of the world when you are a parent. I will adjust and i will take it day by day.


If you haven't been following along lately, I've been chronicling 2 separate robin's nest. One is on my front porch (Thelma's nest) and one is one the back porch (Louise's nest). I share this photo journal approach because I've been given this gift of watching these babies arrive. Watching them grow. Documenting their life. I've been given the gift of watching them leave the nest and understand that it is what they will do. There are no choices. Appreciate the in between and make the best of it. There is no going back. I can be sad for yesterday or I can wait to see what happens tomorrow.

I hope you will enjoy:

Thelma laid 3 eggs. I left for the beach and was gone a week. I think the eggs hatched the day before i got back home. So every day when momma would fly off I would try and take a picture of them. They grow so fast. Yesterday they fledged. I could tell the day before, by the way they way were teetering on the edge of the nest, like they feared nothing, that they would be gone in the morning. I took kashie out at 5:45am and they were there. By 7:45am, they had flown the coop

I took these two photos on "pre fledge" day. You can see how big they have gotten. They are ready to go.


I've watched robins fledged before, so I knew to grab my camera and go outside and "listen". they make a certain little sound as they call out to their momma
"I am here, momma, come and feed me. I still need you"


testing my wings. I will grow no matter what. I am ready to go; although i still need you.




I will be fine. You have guided me and given me the tools to fly. I am ready.
-------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------

So now let's jump over to nest two. Louise. She is a few weeks behind Thelma. She laid 3 eggs. Only one of them hatched. She knew that two of them weren't viable. Another hard "fact of life". This baby will be special.

this last shot was taken today. The sweetest photograph I have ever taken. It brings tears to my eyes. Is it because her one surviving baby is so precious? Mom and Dad are fiercely protective of baby. I don't blame them.


As I wind up my story, a new chapter begins. I discovered a cardinal nest today. The elusive cardinal nest. I have never seen one, nor the eggs. I am beyond excited.

to be continued.......................


  1. You ARE strong, Kecia. And brave. And soulful. I keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    How wonderful that Tucker will be feeling better soon! That is a blessing for everyone.

    Dillon has no idea how much he will miss you. There is no way for him to understand that right now.

    You are doing amazing things. xoxo Debbie

  2. love the bird pics and everyone needs to talk to someone whem they are sad and stressed that is what will keep you focused. i hope your son gets better.

  3. Fabulous photos...thanks so much for sharing these gorgeous images along with your feelings. So true, so true....we all are simply human.
    I look forward to the updates about your sons...Dillon away at school with his adventures and that Tucker will be getting better...real soon!
    And also an up date on the cardinal eggs...
    I'll check in with ya later.

  4. Love the bird pictures. We love our children so much that we want to keep them in the nest as long as we possibly can. Seeing my children fly from the nest was hard for me, but just one of life's experiences as we watch our children grow into adulthood. Wishing you strength, peace, and happiness.


  5. I hope that the new antibiotic will help Tucker feel much better very soon. Your bird photos are gorgeous - thank you for sharing them. I've never had the privilege of being able to have a bird's nest close enough to photograph. It seems to fit very well with your post tonight. Take care of yourself. xxx

  6. Kecia, first of all those robin pictures are fabulous! second of all and more importantly.. a mothers heart, no matter how strong a woman she is breaks thousands of times when raising her children. Sometimes we need to share our burdens with others.. its a release for our souls to speak the words "I'm hurting" and then to just have someone else say.. "I know" and to offer a hug. Even if they may never truely understand the situation, If they are a mother, they understand the pain of a mothers breaking heart. It sucks to have a child be sick. I'm glad they finally figured out that he was really sick and that it wasnt "just" allergies. I hope your sweet Tucker is well very soon and that you can feel at ease again. I'll be sending up some prayers!!

  7. These are the things that really matter Kecia. While our art heals our souls, what is in our hearts are just as important. Thank you for sharing and being wonderful you. You are in my thoughts and believe it or not, you are not alone with your feelings. . .



  8. I pray that Tucker will be better soon with the antibiotics. My heart always aches when I read that he is not feeling well. Stay the strong woman that you are Kecia.

    And the journaling of the birds? LOVE IT!

  9. I sure hope the new meds will help your son. Yes - I so remember when my children flew the nest. You have every right to feel the way you do - you are a Mother. Stay strong.
    Hope you have a great week.

  10. oh, I do feel your pain, luckily for Me, yes I am being selfish, my first born, my son, is graduating, and luckily he is going to a jr college about 20 mins from home...hooray, I get to keep him, I am like you, can't imagine him gone, its funny, alot of parents are so happy that they are moving, but I am like you!! so you are not alone!

  11. The best thing I have ever learned about raising children was "Give them roots and wings". I know perhaps as much as anyone who knows and loves you that you have done that in spades.

    Dillon is a sweetheart and he knows to whom the honors go because of that. And so do we. Barry and I love you both for yourself, and for who you are to those two young men. It is always sad when someone leaves even for a little while,
    but then think about the joy it will be to have him back on vacation for instance. You will be alright, I know you don't think so but I know in my heart that you will be. And so will he. The apple never falls far from the tree, and he knows where his roots are. We miss you, come back soon.


thank you for stopping by my blog and taking the time to leave me a comment. always appreciated!

slide show!