it's hard to let go...........

There's so many feelings I want to blog about, but often time I find it hard to discuss my feelings on my blog. Feelings are touchy. Feelings can be "too much information" to others. Feelings make others seem needy. I am a strong woman and it is hard for me to share my feelings. They often remain hidden beneath the facade of strength.PAIN is not an easy thing to share. I am the one that people rely on for strength and answers. It can be tiring. However, sometimes, worrying about appearing needy to others is exactly what is needed. Readers need to know that I am human. I am not perfect, nor is my life. So I will share with you, that Tucker has been quite sick.

It's allergy season again and once again, he was hit hard. He's been sick for almost 2 months. Continuous coughing, non stop. It's hard enough beforehand, but to now watch him go through this. The only thing i can do is hold him and give him drugs. I hate it. It tears my heart apart and makes me feel like i cannot breathe. finally, lab results show several nasty bacteria's residing deep within in his lungs. A different antibiotic (shockingly expensive) is introduced to fight the bacteria. We are starting to see him getting better. But i live in terror of that cough.........

I haven't done a whole lot of art during this time. When Tucker is sick, I feel paralyzed. It is all i can do to get out of bed and face it. To finally have an answer that it is a bacteria, versus it's "allergies" was almost a relief. All I can tell you, is that it is agonizing to watch my child go through this. I weep for him and I weep for my family, as we all suffer. I will never be whole....... I often feel after we've gone through an illness with him, that I have been through war. I don't mean to offend, I'm just alluding to the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. it can be debilitating and isolating. It makes me want to climb into bed and sleep for several years.

While at the same time that this is going on, I've also been fighting my sadness that my beloved Dillon will be going off to school next year. I'm not much of a religious person, but i am spiritual. I believe that someone "up there" when choosing my 2nd baby, said, "pick out a good one for this family, they're going to need him". And I was sent Dillon. I can't say enough about him. He is the sweetest person ever. Kind, considerate and amazing. I've appreciated every second of my time spent with him and it is hard to think of him not being here. He is the glue that binds my sanity together. I'm not sure anyone really gets it, how hard it will be on me. He is the one that i got to do all that i missed with tucker. We are close. But I also know that I have raised him to be a good man and that he will be fine. He will not miss me as much as I miss him. It is the way of the world when you are a parent. I will adjust and i will take it day by day.

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If you haven't been following along lately, I've been chronicling 2 separate robin's nest. One is on my front porch (Thelma's nest) and one is one the back porch (Louise's nest). I share this photo journal approach because I've been given this gift of watching these babies arrive. Watching them grow. Documenting their life. I've been given the gift of watching them leave the nest and understand that it is what they will do. There are no choices. Appreciate the in between and make the best of it. There is no going back. I can be sad for yesterday or I can wait to see what happens tomorrow.

I hope you will enjoy:

Thelma laid 3 eggs. I left for the beach and was gone a week. I think the eggs hatched the day before i got back home. So every day when momma would fly off I would try and take a picture of them. They grow so fast. Yesterday they fledged. I could tell the day before, by the way they way were teetering on the edge of the nest, like they feared nothing, that they would be gone in the morning. I took kashie out at 5:45am and they were there. By 7:45am, they had flown the coop.

I took these two photos on "pre fledge" day. You can see how big they have gotten. They are ready to go.

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I've watched robins fledged before, so I knew to grab my camera and go outside and "listen". they make a certain little sound as they call out to their momma
"I am here, momma, come and feed me. I still need you".

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testing my wings. I will grow no matter what. I am ready to go; although i still need you.

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waiting.....................

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Reflecting:
I will be fine. You have guided me and given me the tools to fly. I am ready.

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So now let's jump over to nest two. Louise. She is a few weeks behind Thelma. She laid 3 eggs. Only one of them hatched. She knew that two of them weren't viable. Another hard "fact of life". This baby will be special.

this last shot was taken today. The sweetest photograph I have ever taken. It brings tears to my eyes. Is it because her one surviving baby is so precious? Mom and Dad are fiercely protective of baby. I don't blame them.

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As I wind up my story, a new chapter begins. I discovered a cardinal nest today. The elusive cardinal nest. I have never seen one, nor the eggs. I am beyond excited.

to be continued.......................

what's happening

i haven't been blogging too much in the last few weeks after tucker's illness, because my hands have been bothering me alot (sore joints, low hand strength, pain in the wrist area, etc -and computer use just aggravates them more). could just be a severe tendinitis episode or something else. i did get a lyme's test yesterday since i was bitten by a tick about about a month ago. he also did some arthritis tests too, but wasn't leaning towards any of these things, which leads me back to tendinitis. i'm wondering if how i was holding tucker during those 3 weeks he wasn't well, just aggravated my hands. i've been trying to stretch them alot, which is helping. anyway, that's that.

for a project not related to small hand work, i decided to revamp my cabana, which is now being called "They Gypsy Cabana". i found a darling umbrella at Pier One for $42 on clearance (one part of the umbrella was broken). it reminds me of a circus tent. on a whim, i decided to put the umbrella inside the cabana as the roof part was now open (the roof collapsed over the winter) i got a new outdoor rug, changed out the chairs and added some colorful fabric lanterns that i found at kmart. i dragged over some plantars of grass and put in some candles. finally i added a little Chinese desk that i had bought at Country Living Fair last oct and that was that. you can't tell from the pictures, but in front of the cabana are 3 bird feeders, so it is great fun to sit inside and watch the birds come and feed.

(kabana kitty)
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this is a picture of what i am slowly working on (taking breaks as my hands bother me). i still have some soldering to do on them and then i will cover them in Ice resin.

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finally, here is a my pictures from the warbler nest that i've been watching since i found it several weeks ago. i went down there on monday to check on them and the nest was no longer in the tree. i found it on the ground. hopefully that means that they grew up and flew away.
cover them in Ice resin.

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and finally a collection f shots fm the yellow warbler's nest. i nt down their progress and e nest was no longer inflew away.

off to the dog beach

on Sunday, i took advantage of having help with tucker and got out of the house. my main agenda was to check on the eggs in the Warbler nest that kim and i found when she was here visiting. i figured it was close to those eggs hatching. i took a nice leisurely stroll about the beach, watching the dogs playing in the surf, chasing sticks and tennis balls and in general, having the best time of their lives! i found some cool rocks and weathered bricks for my rock garden and took some photos as well.
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as i was walking along looking at all the darling paw prints, i couldn't help but think of hansel and gretel. my thought was, "lose your way on the dog beach? just follow these.

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found this heart shaped rock

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how can thistle be so overlooked for the beauty of that purple?

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i have no idea what this flower is. it was the only one growing and it was back in the dunes away from the water. big black bumblebees were intensely attracted to it and the fragrance was amazing.

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i love this little shallow section of the bay. i usually see great birds here, but none today; tide was too high...
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petite little daisies. so sweet

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more thistle about to bloom

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and as you can see, the Warbler babies hatched. i sure wish i could nab a photo of pretty momma (she's a light yellow/green color)

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also in the midst of tucker being sick, we discovered a nest of baby bunnies in a vintage wheelbarrow (now a plantar) out front. one of the babies was sickly and momma bunny had tossed it out of the nest, so i took care of it all day and into the night (feeding it pedialyte and kitten replacement milk). the next day i drove the sweet little bunny out to a bunny rehabber. she thought the bunny might have a head injury. i told her i didn't want to know anymore. i know she will do the best she can and what will be will be.

a few days after that, we noticed that momma had moved the nest to another section of the wheelbarrow, but hadn't covered up the babies, so i was suspecting that they would be leaving the nest soon. and sure enough, within 10 minutes or so, they were hopping out. i got some video of the last guy before he took the plunge.

Company is here!

My sister, niece and brother-in-law arrived this morning after taking the red eye in from California. they weren't here an hour before we were leaving and heading to the flea market. jeff slipped my niece $20 to spend there and she made it go far. she had a great time and found some wonderful purchases. i usually don't go on Sundays as i have found the Sunday crowd to be "not to my liking". but today was different, there were tons of vendors and great stuff was out. everyone seemed like they wanted to sell and make deals. i only saw one case of someone "not to my liking". (who is the person that i do not like? it is the parents that drag their children to these things and then proceed to yell at them and treat them like crap. for the most part as well, these poor kids are usually improperly dressed. i don't understand these parents that speak to their children in this way. (now mind you, i am not referring to the misbehaving child that needs to be scolded. this is just downright wrong and mean). i just find it upsetting. Okay, enough of that. so we hit the flea running and it turned out to be a gorgeous day. it got so warm and i am so glad i had them bundle up, as i swore up and down the wind would be in high gear and we'd be freezing. NOT! we couldn't peel off our layers fast enough.
then we came home, got something to eat, grabbed dillon and then headed into the back field on a nest hunt. it was fun. we ended up finding 4 nests; although 3 of them were a few seasons old. (meaning they were falling apart). not sure what is on the agenda tomorrow. have some silly errands to run (bank, post office) and then need to get Gracie to the vet as she's not feeling well again - i'm making the call now that she's got that darn Lymes disease again (and yes, we have them on tick meds).

and check out that awesome bug that showed up on my porch today (am thinking it is a katydid....) i was going crazy taking pictures of it when it jumped onto my camera and then flew at me. talk about a wuss - i SCREAMED so loud! i didn't even know i could scream that loud. it was hilarious!

Sundays goings on

Yesterday afternoon around 5 or 6pm, Jeff and i went for a little walk to the back field so i could pick up some more of the baling hay metal that i found back there. Jeff cut off little squares for me and that is what i use for my base of my grunge charms. i don't know what the metal is that they used (or how old it is), but it is hard to drill through and does not accept solder (darn it!). it is also really hard to cut! so a lot of work went into those charms. i do believe though, that after creating all these charms, i will be looking into getting a drill press.


anyway, on our way back to our yard, we saw that the baby bunny was out by tucker's window and i wanted to go tell my friend, Michele, who was here helping with Tucker. I had just told her before my walk to keep an eye out for the baby. so as i went up the stairs i saw one of the little eggs from the wrens nest. it was empty and on the ground. so i told jeff i found it and then i saw the baby from the egg on the ground. so i yelled, here's the baby - AND he's still alive! so jeff scooped up the baby bird and went into the house. i went to investigate the nest (this was the nest that had 6 eggs in it). well, i found another egg near the nest, but it was cracked with a bird still inside (but not alive and moving like the one out of the egg) and the rest of the eggs were gone. I think that momma wren moved her eggs out of the nest because that morning when she flew off they were all in there, unhatched. my guess is that that area was too busy for her - right next to the door with the dogs, kids and us coming and going. so i think she was moving her eggs and she dropped that little guy.





so we wrapped the little guy up in a towel to warm him up and then jeff got on the internet to find out what we could do for this "nestling". usually we would call our humane society but i knew they were closed at that point. jeff found a website on emergency care for a brand new nestling. feed it every 1/2 hour ( a little receipe was given) and keep it warm and in a dark spot. so we put it inside a cigar box still in the towel. then jeff fed him every 1/2 hour. i took some video of him feeding the birdie and the little guy eating. we think he had an injury, so we really weren't sure how it would go. jeff kept him in his room last night and feed him through out the night (i was finishing up my steampunk/grunge stuff). that little bird was a trooper and really tried hard, but he didn't make it. jeff said after the last feeding around 4:30am, he felt like he was going to go and by the next feeding, he was gone. not a happy ending, but we did what we could and at least he was warm and loved before he left.

This morning we buried him on the back porch in this big planter i have that is located near where his nest was. i sprinkled some flower seeds on top of the spot and then we planted a purple clematis in the planter with him.

day #5 Hippity hop swap

today's gift is from Brenda Bliss. it's a darling fabric bird; although i'm not sure of the fabric - muslin quite possibly. the bird is cream colored with with some handpainted brown/gold tones thrown in. it was sewn and stuffed with poly fil. In a black cord wrapped around his tail is a lovely wire nest with some purple egg beads inside. i got an email from Brenda who wanted to make sure that i knew that the nest was also a necklace! how cool is that? i think i shall put him in one of my fiber nests that i've been making. thanks, Brenda!

here's what i sent to kim

this is the nest and birdie that i sent to kim for our nest swap. isn't she cute? i wonder what kim will call her? she's very protective of her baby egg.

nest swap

my nest arrived today from my partner and friend,kim, http://www.artdogslife.blogspot.com/. i just love the mini cloche. she also made the way cool PMC charm of the bird. isn't it awesome? the pictures don't do it justice, since it is so hard to photograph when glass is involved. i set it up near my faux Tiffany lamp. the light reflecting into the glass shows the inside well. she also threw a bunch of other goodies in the box, so i felt i was opening an Easter basket! little candle, nice smelling soaps, candy, etc.

Sammy's doll

here is the other doll i made for the "beat the winter blues" doll swap, for my bud in Oregon, Sammy http://sammystuff.blogspot.com/ (stop and say hi to her, she's had the flu forever!) anyway, she emailed to say that dolly had arrived and her sweet hubbie helped her open the big box. I rescued the doll from a thrift store. she seemed cute with potential once i removed her most hideous outfit and gave her a sweet little haircut! her dress is a vintage baby dress. i made her crown from chicken wire and then vintage lace. for her stand, i took a doll holder and glued it to a vintage shabby chic - ish plate and added glitter on top. she carries her little pink purse where ever she goes - notice the little bird hitchiker?

going on etsy

here's a few things i worked on this weekend and will be adding to my etsy shoppe (today or when i get back!) guess i was in a Mona Lisa mood. the darker Mona Lisa has some wonderful crackling in the background that i did by hand (and it measures 8x8). i think the lighter Mona Lisa (w/ buttons for reference) is very "Anahata" (it measures 8x10)- i must be gearing up for her class! how cute it the little sprint time princess birdie sitting on her peat pot nest? i will also be adding some of my handmade bird nests delicately woven with all sorts of fibers and goodies. the base is a secret.........

I'll be at Artnest tomorrow thru the 24th. (i leave at 3am - horrible time huh?)