it's hard to let go...........

There's so many feelings I want to blog about, but often time I find it hard to discuss my feelings on my blog. Feelings are touchy. Feelings can be "too much information" to others. Feelings make others seem needy. I am a strong woman and it is hard for me to share my feelings. They often remain hidden beneath the facade of strength.PAIN is not an easy thing to share. I am the one that people rely on for strength and answers. It can be tiring. However, sometimes, worrying about appearing needy to others is exactly what is needed. Readers need to know that I am human. I am not perfect, nor is my life. So I will share with you, that Tucker has been quite sick.

It's allergy season again and once again, he was hit hard. He's been sick for almost 2 months. Continuous coughing, non stop. It's hard enough beforehand, but to now watch him go through this. The only thing i can do is hold him and give him drugs. I hate it. It tears my heart apart and makes me feel like i cannot breathe. finally, lab results show several nasty bacteria's residing deep within in his lungs. A different antibiotic (shockingly expensive) is introduced to fight the bacteria. We are starting to see him getting better. But i live in terror of that cough.........

I haven't done a whole lot of art during this time. When Tucker is sick, I feel paralyzed. It is all i can do to get out of bed and face it. To finally have an answer that it is a bacteria, versus it's "allergies" was almost a relief. All I can tell you, is that it is agonizing to watch my child go through this. I weep for him and I weep for my family, as we all suffer. I will never be whole....... I often feel after we've gone through an illness with him, that I have been through war. I don't mean to offend, I'm just alluding to the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. it can be debilitating and isolating. It makes me want to climb into bed and sleep for several years.

While at the same time that this is going on, I've also been fighting my sadness that my beloved Dillon will be going off to school next year. I'm not much of a religious person, but i am spiritual. I believe that someone "up there" when choosing my 2nd baby, said, "pick out a good one for this family, they're going to need him". And I was sent Dillon. I can't say enough about him. He is the sweetest person ever. Kind, considerate and amazing. I've appreciated every second of my time spent with him and it is hard to think of him not being here. He is the glue that binds my sanity together. I'm not sure anyone really gets it, how hard it will be on me. He is the one that i got to do all that i missed with tucker. We are close. But I also know that I have raised him to be a good man and that he will be fine. He will not miss me as much as I miss him. It is the way of the world when you are a parent. I will adjust and i will take it day by day.

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If you haven't been following along lately, I've been chronicling 2 separate robin's nest. One is on my front porch (Thelma's nest) and one is one the back porch (Louise's nest). I share this photo journal approach because I've been given this gift of watching these babies arrive. Watching them grow. Documenting their life. I've been given the gift of watching them leave the nest and understand that it is what they will do. There are no choices. Appreciate the in between and make the best of it. There is no going back. I can be sad for yesterday or I can wait to see what happens tomorrow.

I hope you will enjoy:

Thelma laid 3 eggs. I left for the beach and was gone a week. I think the eggs hatched the day before i got back home. So every day when momma would fly off I would try and take a picture of them. They grow so fast. Yesterday they fledged. I could tell the day before, by the way they way were teetering on the edge of the nest, like they feared nothing, that they would be gone in the morning. I took kashie out at 5:45am and they were there. By 7:45am, they had flown the coop.

I took these two photos on "pre fledge" day. You can see how big they have gotten. They are ready to go.

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I've watched robins fledged before, so I knew to grab my camera and go outside and "listen". they make a certain little sound as they call out to their momma
"I am here, momma, come and feed me. I still need you".

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testing my wings. I will grow no matter what. I am ready to go; although i still need you.

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waiting.....................

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Reflecting:
I will be fine. You have guided me and given me the tools to fly. I am ready.

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So now let's jump over to nest two. Louise. She is a few weeks behind Thelma. She laid 3 eggs. Only one of them hatched. She knew that two of them weren't viable. Another hard "fact of life". This baby will be special.

this last shot was taken today. The sweetest photograph I have ever taken. It brings tears to my eyes. Is it because her one surviving baby is so precious? Mom and Dad are fiercely protective of baby. I don't blame them.

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As I wind up my story, a new chapter begins. I discovered a cardinal nest today. The elusive cardinal nest. I have never seen one, nor the eggs. I am beyond excited.

to be continued.......................

love of nature

yesterday as i was out in the yard watering my hydrangeas, i heard the cutest little chirp and of course i had to find out where it was coming from. i ran inside and grabbed my binoculars and camera. scanning the back yard i heard the chirp again and located the source high up (about 30feet) in my big oak tree. it was a little fledgling robin. i figured maybe baby was resting from flying. i noticed it kept hopping about on the massive tree limb and then i realized baby was waiting for momma to come back with some food. it was difficult to crane my neck and try to get photos at the same time, so i had the bright idea of climbing up on the shed which was close to the tree. i figured the height would be better to watch and photograph my new friend. i grabbed the old bunk bed ladder from dillon's fort/hangout area and leaned it up against the shed. then i climbed up but had to hoist myself up on the shed (not a pretty site as i'm not exactly Miss Nimble anymore!) but it was the perfect view to watch.

baby would sit patiently and wait for mom. before mom even came into range of my sight, i noticed baby would start squawking. then mom would land with some food, feed baby and fly off again. it was fun to watch. i couldn't figure out how the baby would know mom was close, because she didn't make any noise and had food in her mouth. but baby always knew when she was getting close.

after i got the pictures i wanted, i realized that i was not going to be able to climb down the ladder (easier going up then down!) so i decided my only option was to jump off the shed and onto the trampoline, which is what the kids do (and it is pulled up right along the shed). i put my camera as close to the edge of the shed to grab later and jumped. (again not a pretty site and glad no one was watching!) then i dusted myself off, grabbed my camera and went back to watering. that's how i roll.

off to the dog beach

on Sunday, i took advantage of having help with tucker and got out of the house. my main agenda was to check on the eggs in the Warbler nest that kim and i found when she was here visiting. i figured it was close to those eggs hatching. i took a nice leisurely stroll about the beach, watching the dogs playing in the surf, chasing sticks and tennis balls and in general, having the best time of their lives! i found some cool rocks and weathered bricks for my rock garden and took some photos as well.
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as i was walking along looking at all the darling paw prints, i couldn't help but think of hansel and gretel. my thought was, "lose your way on the dog beach? just follow these.

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found this heart shaped rock

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how can thistle be so overlooked for the beauty of that purple?

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i have no idea what this flower is. it was the only one growing and it was back in the dunes away from the water. big black bumblebees were intensely attracted to it and the fragrance was amazing.

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i love this little shallow section of the bay. i usually see great birds here, but none today; tide was too high...
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petite little daisies. so sweet

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more thistle about to bloom

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and as you can see, the Warbler babies hatched. i sure wish i could nab a photo of pretty momma (she's a light yellow/green color)

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also in the midst of tucker being sick, we discovered a nest of baby bunnies in a vintage wheelbarrow (now a plantar) out front. one of the babies was sickly and momma bunny had tossed it out of the nest, so i took care of it all day and into the night (feeding it pedialyte and kitten replacement milk). the next day i drove the sweet little bunny out to a bunny rehabber. she thought the bunny might have a head injury. i told her i didn't want to know anymore. i know she will do the best she can and what will be will be.

a few days after that, we noticed that momma had moved the nest to another section of the wheelbarrow, but hadn't covered up the babies, so i was suspecting that they would be leaving the nest soon. and sure enough, within 10 minutes or so, they were hopping out. i got some video of the last guy before he took the plunge.

how i spent April 1st 2010

It was 19 years ago today that my son, Tucker, suffered a severe brain injury due to medical negligence. That day changed our lives forever. we've suffered through heartache, depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress syndrome. It is a tough day for us and I spent the day doing fun things to keep myself from thinking about that ill fated day. I was going to do some art, but it was so gorgeous outside that i decided to spend my day outdoors.
I recently left a little shop where i was selling things and the van was full of booth and product stuff to put away. So after emptying out the van, we needed to find a place for an old shabby bookcase and an old medicine cabinet. So i decided to make room on the front porch for them. (it was perfect timing as i needed to clean the porch up anyway)
i put the old medicine cabinet over my yummy green farm table and then decided to "merchandise" it with some of my nature findings. (nests, shells, sea glass, driftwood, etc.) So i went shopping in my house and dragged out all sorts of fun stuff.

here's what the cabinet looks like with the doors open:


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this is actually a tiny little hummingbird nest. it is as big as half dollar. I found this nest in Arizona when i was traveling with my mom. i made little nest holders out of rusty wire springs. (the white eggs are from our finches)
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this is a robins nest that Dillon's friend, Jimmy, brought to me. It had been made inside a wreath on their porch and the flowers from the wreath are still embedded in the mud. (jimmy also brings me heart shaped rocks - how sweet is that?) i filled the nest with these tiny little egg rocks that i like to collect when i am at my mom's in Bass Lake, Ca.
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this is a heart shaped rock that i found in California when i was visiting my sister in feb. i was walking the beach and said to myself, "i really want to find a heart shaped rock" and viola! like magic, it appeared. (true story!)
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not sure about this bigger nest as it is part mud and part stick - probably another robin nest. it gives you good perspective on the size of that sweet little hummer nest.
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this is a Japanese beetle that Dillon found last summer. he was sitting under a tree and it fell next to him. he saved it knowing i would want it. i think it looks awesome displayed on one of my grandmother's old floral frog.
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here is a wren nest that i found just yesterday in some brush off our driveway. it is very sweet and holds a few bluebird, a cardinal and a mystery feather.
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after i was done with this project, it was almost time for tucker to get home from school. We all went into the backyard where jeff, dillon and friends played some volleyball while i made some nests out of grapevine. i want to add some of kirby's fur to them and then display them around the house. then we brought tucker outside and did some yard work around this area in the middle of the yard that is nicknamed "flower island". it needs a lot of work as last summer we had a terrible mole problem. flower island looks as if it is sinking since the earth underneath it is all torn up. so we raked and tried to rearrange and level things. we've decided to replace the old pergola with a new one as it is rotting and tilting from the weight of the wisteria on top of it.

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so you see, i ended up having a lovely day and tried to focus on the small stuff that makes me happy instead of spending my time in sorrow. as i was raking, i saw this in the leaves and it reminded me to find love in all that i do.

butterfly visit

mother nature always has a way of making things up to you. after my bout with a yellow jacket the other (which is still itchy and fire red, mind you!), i noticed this little guy flitting around my garden. i figured he was heading for my butterfly bush, so ran, got the camera and waited for him to show up. sure enough, he gently glided in and started enjoying a mid day snack. what a beauty. so quiet and peaceful he was as he moved from flower to flower.

i've discovered some newborn baby squirrels in a bird house right next to my front door. it is surrounded in ivy, so it is quite safe for them there. they are darling! as they get a little bigger, i'll try and get some pics.

Endangered Least Tern shore birds

Photographers! Interested in a rare opportunity to photograph an indigenous endangered species right here in Belmar? The only surviving* Least Tern nesting colony in Monmouth is located on the beach between the Shark River inlet and the Belmar Fishing Club. This is an amazingly successful colony with well over 300 adults present, approximately 175 nests and now after they started hatching on June 12, well over 200 chicks.

this was an email i got this morning from my friend, Mary Ellen, who knew i would love this - so off i went! parking wasn't too bad there today, so i pumped some quarters into the slot and headed to see the birds. the "least tern", has set up a nesting colony right behind this building (the Belmar fishing club). it has been blocked off surrounding their colony. i walked along the perimeter and took some photos. the email also said "be prepared to be divebombed and wear a hat". i didn't receive any divebombs, but i did wear my hat. they were indeed very fun to watch. i noticed someone else closer to the beach side taking photos, so i headed over there to say hi and chat. she turned out to be Nancy Smith and she is a "monitor" of the colony. she's been taking photos of them for several weeks and keeping track of their activities. she told me they are really fun to watch at sunset as the babies get ready for bed. they burrow into the sand all the while as their mom chatters to them. she told me that one chick wasn't making his bed as he was suppose to and that the mom seem to be telling him, "to settle down and go to bed" - so he did. she also told me that on the 4th of July, people were down there shooting off fireworks. luckily she was driving by and saw them, so she turned around and found the offenders and called the police. it was an intoxicated adult (a local too) and some teenagers. he said he was aware of the birds (but guess he didn't care?) the fireworks totally disrupted the colony and now what Nancy is seeing is momma birds flying in with fish and not being able to find their babies. apparently there is going to be a court case. i guess next year, we will have to stand out there and monitor for idiots who show up with their (illegal in this state) fireworks. I have a feeling i will be seeing more of Nancy as she's really into getting out into nature and taking pictures like i enjoy doing. she has some kayaks (or a boat, can't remember) and i asked if she'd like some company. some of Nancy's pictures can be found here at Shark River Coalition.

Manasquan Reservoir

So this morning i got up early (to beat the heat and people) and headed over to Manasquan reservoir to see what i could see. i first went over to an area called the "visitors center". there you can rent kayaks, canoes, launch your boat or jump on one of the many bike/walking trails. i was a little under prepared, as it was already quite hot, i forgot my hat and i was wearing flip flops. i wish i had brought my bike since it is a 5 mile loop to cover the reservoir! i bought a bottle of water, drenched my bandana which i put over my hair and started walking. it was a nice walk although i didn't go too far before i turned around. there was no way i would make the 5 miles! plus the trail was taking me way around the water into wooded areas and i wanted to see birds around the water (herons, egrets, etc.) so after taking the photos i wanted i returned to my car and then drove over to another area where the enviromental center is. it was very quiet over there, which was nice. most of the joggers, bikers and walkers were over on the other side. i took a trail that led behind the center had a myself a nice little walk.

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the best i saved for last! i had no idea i would stumble across a bald eagle's nest with 3 eaglets! can you imagine my surprise? i was the only one out there and i felt like i had made the discovery of the century. i was on a trail when i saw it and managed to make my way down this craggy, rotting log, while wearing flip flops. i walked some other logs to this little tiny patch of sand/rocks and then just sat and watched in amazement at what i was getting to see so close up and uninteruppted. the dad was sitting on a branch above the nest. my mom would call this a "God treat".