Sometimes

Sometimes as you live your life and do what you have to do, you tend to think of yourself as alone in your hardships. Today on facebook i posted a link about Catherine Graves who wrote a book about being a caregiver for her husband. the title of the article was "Wife slips into madness as husband dies of brain tumor". after posting the link, I added the comment, "i can so relate to this story".

a very sweet facebook friend commented back to me with this:

"Every day when I read your posts and see your photos I have the utmost admiration for you. Your creativity and talent are even more inspiring considering your role as a caregiver and mother. The fact you have any energy to do anything other than that is astounding. My background is in Community Service caring for people who are aged or disabled. Unlike you, at the end of my shift I could sign off and go home so I acknowledge that you, being a mother and carer of a young man with high needs, are doing an incredible job. I know it's not the same as having practical support but you have many friends on Facebook who are cheering you on. I hope our collective energy helps in some way. Your love and dedication to your family does not go unnoticed and whilst we are all amazed by your art we are blown away by your strength and fortitude, your caring and selflessness. You're never alone xxx"

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I have to tell you, I was quite surprised to read something so incredibly sensitive and understanding to the day to day of my life. It was if she glimpsed inside my soul and saw what lays hidden there (the pain, the grief, the fear, the uncertainty, the stress, the sorrow- all of it).

I truly am grateful that she took the time to tell me that. It meant the world to me.

Not my favorite day........

Today it has been 20 years since Tucker sustained his injury. I won't be dwelling on it, but painted this picture last night to reflect my inner feelings. Feelings that are often kept well hidden.

Tucker is sick, so he will be home from school. We will have a cozy day watching tv and listening to music while i cuddle, love and care for him.

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Congratulations to Patty, Barbe and Angela. It was hard to pick only 3 winners for the giveaway. I read each and every one and heard your stories and I wish all of you could be taking the workshop. I appreciate you playing along.

how i spent April 1st 2010

It was 19 years ago today that my son, Tucker, suffered a severe brain injury due to medical negligence. That day changed our lives forever. we've suffered through heartache, depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress syndrome. It is a tough day for us and I spent the day doing fun things to keep myself from thinking about that ill fated day. I was going to do some art, but it was so gorgeous outside that i decided to spend my day outdoors.
I recently left a little shop where i was selling things and the van was full of booth and product stuff to put away. So after emptying out the van, we needed to find a place for an old shabby bookcase and an old medicine cabinet. So i decided to make room on the front porch for them. (it was perfect timing as i needed to clean the porch up anyway)
i put the old medicine cabinet over my yummy green farm table and then decided to "merchandise" it with some of my nature findings. (nests, shells, sea glass, driftwood, etc.) So i went shopping in my house and dragged out all sorts of fun stuff.

here's what the cabinet looks like with the doors open:


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this is actually a tiny little hummingbird nest. it is as big as half dollar. I found this nest in Arizona when i was traveling with my mom. i made little nest holders out of rusty wire springs. (the white eggs are from our finches)
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this is a robins nest that Dillon's friend, Jimmy, brought to me. It had been made inside a wreath on their porch and the flowers from the wreath are still embedded in the mud. (jimmy also brings me heart shaped rocks - how sweet is that?) i filled the nest with these tiny little egg rocks that i like to collect when i am at my mom's in Bass Lake, Ca.
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this is a heart shaped rock that i found in California when i was visiting my sister in feb. i was walking the beach and said to myself, "i really want to find a heart shaped rock" and viola! like magic, it appeared. (true story!)
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not sure about this bigger nest as it is part mud and part stick - probably another robin nest. it gives you good perspective on the size of that sweet little hummer nest.
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this is a Japanese beetle that Dillon found last summer. he was sitting under a tree and it fell next to him. he saved it knowing i would want it. i think it looks awesome displayed on one of my grandmother's old floral frog.
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here is a wren nest that i found just yesterday in some brush off our driveway. it is very sweet and holds a few bluebird, a cardinal and a mystery feather.
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after i was done with this project, it was almost time for tucker to get home from school. We all went into the backyard where jeff, dillon and friends played some volleyball while i made some nests out of grapevine. i want to add some of kirby's fur to them and then display them around the house. then we brought tucker outside and did some yard work around this area in the middle of the yard that is nicknamed "flower island". it needs a lot of work as last summer we had a terrible mole problem. flower island looks as if it is sinking since the earth underneath it is all torn up. so we raked and tried to rearrange and level things. we've decided to replace the old pergola with a new one as it is rotting and tilting from the weight of the wisteria on top of it.

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so you see, i ended up having a lovely day and tried to focus on the small stuff that makes me happy instead of spending my time in sorrow. as i was raking, i saw this in the leaves and it reminded me to find love in all that i do.

grieving

i've been spending my time quietly missing my sweet doggie. i sure do not like being sad. but i certainly realize it is all part of the grieving process. we had her cremated yesterday as the ground is just too frozen to dig through right now. can't say i enjoyed that whole process very much even though the facility was very nice. i guess it's just more finality.

when i am sad, i like to write haiku's in my journal. so i wrote a few to help capture my memories of kirby:

i see you waiting
you watching as i make your food
barking, so happy

i watch you outside
walking around, taking your stroll
find a stick to chew

you lay there sunning
wriggling around the grass
paws rubbing your nose

i see your eyes close
you drifted away peacefully
yet my heart is broken

sitting there watching
you see the world through your eyes
a bark to join in

cute button black nose
mouth full of crooked teeth
suggestive of a smile

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i've also been doing some therapeutic "fun" art. art just for me; not to sell, not to submit and not to fill orders. just no pressure, fun, fulfilling art. been altering a pair of jeans to wear in vegas, i think they are looking pretty cool.


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just wanted to let you know

at 1:30pm today feb. 5th, 2010, we had to say goodbye to our sweet kirby. it was the right choice to make. she had a rough night and after seeing the vet today, it was apparent it was time. we had it done here at our home and she will be buried in the backyard.

i've thought about this day for several years now as she has gotten older. it was always weighing on my mind; wondering how much time we had left with her. i guess i had hoped she'd live forever.

we had 14 wonderful years with her and i'm going to proclaim that she was the best dog ever. i think dinner time will be the worst when she would do her "kirby shuffle" as she was excited for her home cook meals that i made for her. i will also miss her love of dillon and his friends. even as she aged, she wanted to be right in the middle of whatever they were doing. she'd go up and down the steps right along with them; never minding that it was hard for her to get back up the steps. she and dillon grew up together. i know dillon is quite sad right now; as we all are.

as i massaged her last night, i talked to her and told her how much i loved her and i asked that she especially be there to greet me at Rainbow Bridge so that we could cross it together. i know she'll be there. i miss her sweet, friendly face so much already.

i want to thank everyone for all their kind words. certainly i am not the first pet owner to lose their pet; but i appreciate you all understanding and offering up much needed support.

laying low

i'm feeling a little sad, so if i'm quiet in the next week, you'll know why. kirby, our sweet little golden retriever was just diagnosed with lymphoma. i can't say i'm shocked and with her age, it's to be expected. kirby is the sweetest, kindest dog. she loves everyone and always wants to be right in the middle of all the kids, just like she is one of them. i call her "the ambassador". i don't want to say goodbye to her yet; guess i thought she'd live forever.