grieving

i've been spending my time quietly missing my sweet doggie. i sure do not like being sad. but i certainly realize it is all part of the grieving process. we had her cremated yesterday as the ground is just too frozen to dig through right now. can't say i enjoyed that whole process very much even though the facility was very nice. i guess it's just more finality.

when i am sad, i like to write haiku's in my journal. so i wrote a few to help capture my memories of kirby:

i see you waiting
you watching as i make your food
barking, so happy

i watch you outside
walking around, taking your stroll
find a stick to chew

you lay there sunning
wriggling around the grass
paws rubbing your nose

i see your eyes close
you drifted away peacefully
yet my heart is broken

sitting there watching
you see the world through your eyes
a bark to join in

cute button black nose
mouth full of crooked teeth
suggestive of a smile

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i've also been doing some therapeutic "fun" art. art just for me; not to sell, not to submit and not to fill orders. just no pressure, fun, fulfilling art. been altering a pair of jeans to wear in vegas, i think they are looking pretty cool.


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more on observing

it was exciting to see how i am not alone in my thoughts on living in the present. i am always amazed at how much i have in common with the women (and men) who read my blog. maybe it is an age thing, that as we get older; we get wiser about what is truly important in life. i could easily live in my past and spend my time wallowing in pity over what happened to my child. but what good would that do? who would that benefit? certainly not Tucker, certainly not me, certainly not Dillon and definitely not my friends or family. so i don't do it. occasionally i'll have a sad day; but that is normal. but typically, i try to live day to day, do what i have to do and make art!

speaking of Tucker, he is sick today. i suspected it yesterday. he had a good night but then all of a sudden around 9:30am, it was like the "cold and flu" fairy flew over him and sprinkle some dust on him and BAM! coughing, sneezing, more coughing. the type of coughing that i stay right next to him with suction ready. the type of coughing where we put a call into our neighbor/doctor and say, guess what? antibotics and steroids are on reserve and i am in KECIA RN mode. i've sat with him in his bed all day taking care of him. my back is sore, i am exhausted, but that's ok. i know how to make him feel better because i am his mom.

so if i disappear for a few days, that is why. when he is sick, its is 4 times the work that he normally requires from us (and that is a lot). it is wearing and as i sit here, hard on my body! my back aches so bad.

So, now back to the topic of observing. tuck and i watched "kung fu panda" today. have you seen it? it's very cute and a lot can be learned from it. i was delighted to hear this quote in the movie where the panda felt inadequate and wanted to give up; so the wise turtle said to him; "yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That is why it is called the present". silly me, but i found that quite profound!

So in between my frantic caregiving, what did i observe today? i observed my sweet little Kirby, who is 14 now. I watched her as she made her rounds outside. I home cook for Kirby (after a nasty seizure a few years ago, we made some changes, dietary being one of them). she LOVES her home cooking and barks at me to hurry up and feed her. she jumps up and down like a puppy and then she enjoys her meal. as soon as she is done, like habit; she wants to go outside. she goes out and walks the perimeter of the backyard. she has a routine and today i observed her as she started on the right side of the yard and made her way over to the shed, where she goes behind it and disappears for a few minutes. she reappears under the hammock and makes her way to the left side of the yard. she is so cute and i wanted to imprint that on my brain as i know that her time with us is limited and of course, that makes me sad beyond belief. but i chose today to watch and enjoy her sweet little habits.

a thought for the day

(as seen on the internet)


May you have as much fun as you can before someone makes you stop.