grieving

i've been spending my time quietly missing my sweet doggie. i sure do not like being sad. but i certainly realize it is all part of the grieving process. we had her cremated yesterday as the ground is just too frozen to dig through right now. can't say i enjoyed that whole process very much even though the facility was very nice. i guess it's just more finality.

when i am sad, i like to write haiku's in my journal. so i wrote a few to help capture my memories of kirby:

i see you waiting
you watching as i make your food
barking, so happy

i watch you outside
walking around, taking your stroll
find a stick to chew

you lay there sunning
wriggling around the grass
paws rubbing your nose

i see your eyes close
you drifted away peacefully
yet my heart is broken

sitting there watching
you see the world through your eyes
a bark to join in

cute button black nose
mouth full of crooked teeth
suggestive of a smile

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i've also been doing some therapeutic "fun" art. art just for me; not to sell, not to submit and not to fill orders. just no pressure, fun, fulfilling art. been altering a pair of jeans to wear in vegas, i think they are looking pretty cool.


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just wanted to let you know

at 1:30pm today feb. 5th, 2010, we had to say goodbye to our sweet kirby. it was the right choice to make. she had a rough night and after seeing the vet today, it was apparent it was time. we had it done here at our home and she will be buried in the backyard.

i've thought about this day for several years now as she has gotten older. it was always weighing on my mind; wondering how much time we had left with her. i guess i had hoped she'd live forever.

we had 14 wonderful years with her and i'm going to proclaim that she was the best dog ever. i think dinner time will be the worst when she would do her "kirby shuffle" as she was excited for her home cook meals that i made for her. i will also miss her love of dillon and his friends. even as she aged, she wanted to be right in the middle of whatever they were doing. she'd go up and down the steps right along with them; never minding that it was hard for her to get back up the steps. she and dillon grew up together. i know dillon is quite sad right now; as we all are.

as i massaged her last night, i talked to her and told her how much i loved her and i asked that she especially be there to greet me at Rainbow Bridge so that we could cross it together. i know she'll be there. i miss her sweet, friendly face so much already.

i want to thank everyone for all their kind words. certainly i am not the first pet owner to lose their pet; but i appreciate you all understanding and offering up much needed support.

laying low

i'm feeling a little sad, so if i'm quiet in the next week, you'll know why. kirby, our sweet little golden retriever was just diagnosed with lymphoma. i can't say i'm shocked and with her age, it's to be expected. kirby is the sweetest, kindest dog. she loves everyone and always wants to be right in the middle of all the kids, just like she is one of them. i call her "the ambassador". i don't want to say goodbye to her yet; guess i thought she'd live forever.

more on observing

it was exciting to see how i am not alone in my thoughts on living in the present. i am always amazed at how much i have in common with the women (and men) who read my blog. maybe it is an age thing, that as we get older; we get wiser about what is truly important in life. i could easily live in my past and spend my time wallowing in pity over what happened to my child. but what good would that do? who would that benefit? certainly not Tucker, certainly not me, certainly not Dillon and definitely not my friends or family. so i don't do it. occasionally i'll have a sad day; but that is normal. but typically, i try to live day to day, do what i have to do and make art!

speaking of Tucker, he is sick today. i suspected it yesterday. he had a good night but then all of a sudden around 9:30am, it was like the "cold and flu" fairy flew over him and sprinkle some dust on him and BAM! coughing, sneezing, more coughing. the type of coughing that i stay right next to him with suction ready. the type of coughing where we put a call into our neighbor/doctor and say, guess what? antibotics and steroids are on reserve and i am in KECIA RN mode. i've sat with him in his bed all day taking care of him. my back is sore, i am exhausted, but that's ok. i know how to make him feel better because i am his mom.

so if i disappear for a few days, that is why. when he is sick, its is 4 times the work that he normally requires from us (and that is a lot). it is wearing and as i sit here, hard on my body! my back aches so bad.

So, now back to the topic of observing. tuck and i watched "kung fu panda" today. have you seen it? it's very cute and a lot can be learned from it. i was delighted to hear this quote in the movie where the panda felt inadequate and wanted to give up; so the wise turtle said to him; "yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That is why it is called the present". silly me, but i found that quite profound!

So in between my frantic caregiving, what did i observe today? i observed my sweet little Kirby, who is 14 now. I watched her as she made her rounds outside. I home cook for Kirby (after a nasty seizure a few years ago, we made some changes, dietary being one of them). she LOVES her home cooking and barks at me to hurry up and feed her. she jumps up and down like a puppy and then she enjoys her meal. as soon as she is done, like habit; she wants to go outside. she goes out and walks the perimeter of the backyard. she has a routine and today i observed her as she started on the right side of the yard and made her way over to the shed, where she goes behind it and disappears for a few minutes. she reappears under the hammock and makes her way to the left side of the yard. she is so cute and i wanted to imprint that on my brain as i know that her time with us is limited and of course, that makes me sad beyond belief. but i chose today to watch and enjoy her sweet little habits.

vinette by the front door

here's a little vinette i created and it is really easy to do, so if you feel inspired to create your own, it took me about 15 minutes. of course, i have the resources in my own backyard to go cut holly, berries, pinecones and evergreens. we took the dogs and made a little trip to the back field and snip these items, collected pine cones, yelled at Gracie for running off, oh and looked for birds nests. we found one which jeff wrangled out of some sticker burrs and then i took all the findings and starting laying them out around this old farm table (bought for $5 years ago!). the wreath you see in the back of the picture, we got at the flea market this morning and the same with the rusty old truck (which had been in a fire). i fell i love with the truck the second i saw it. it reminded me of jeff telling me how when he was little, he use to bury his toys in his backyard. so i told him, we are going to tell people that you buried this truck when you were little and we recently dug it up! in the first picture, you can see the darling little bird nest in the cab of the truck. in the second picture, i decided to add some vintage ornaments also purchased at the flea market this morning.

don't have these kind of items? well, let's get creative and see what else you have to substitute!

here's a picture of sweet Kirby on our walk today. she was very helpful.

My friend, Abbie, created my new avatar, featuring one of my icons. isn't it great? i just love having a handy computer friends!